I picked up the phone again, it was my 10th call that morning, and with a frog like feeling in my throat I said, “hello, I heard you do wedding decorations?” “Yes we do”, the lady replied. Thank goodness I had finally managed to find someone who did wedding decorations.
I could finally tick off another ‘to do’ item off my list. I had literally gotten to the point that the whole wedding planning affair was a tick box exercise. I really wasn’t interested in anything to do with wedding planning. As the lady on the phone began to question me and get some insight into our wedding plans, I suddenly realized;
1) I had no business in wedding planning, in fact it annoyed me to the core
2) I couldn’t believe I was actually getting married and as I listened to the lady on the phone go on and on about colours, schemes, glitter and glam, I pinched my arm just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
As I came back to earth, well back to the phone conversation and of course the lady on the phone saying, “how does that sound, what’s your budget? Hello, hello, are you there?” all I could think about was how I had prayed too hard to think about centrepieces!!
Getting married was bigger than centrepieces, colour schemes and what theme my wedding should be. It was bigger than my dress, hairstyle or bridesmaid choices. My wedding was about changing legacy!! It was about mercy and miracles. God has been merciful enough to ensure that I got another chance. God has been miraculous in blowing up my mountains. Not not only moving them, but blowing them up! My marriage would change the legacy course for my children’s children and beyond.
I politely explained to the lady I would have to call her back as I was enjoying my moment of thankfulness, thinking about the fact that I was getting married and reminiscing about the nights I had cried out to God and all sorts.
Now I’ve actually never been the type of girl to really go on about marriage. It never really bothered me in my teens and neither did it in my early 20’s. I had no close friends who had got hitched and my mother had never pressurised me. I had also thankfully managed to block out those annoying aunts and uncles, so I didn’t feel the need to constantly think about marriage or rush into it.
Coupled with the fear of divorce! I was quite all right being single for now. Now of course there were at times the, ‘I hope I don’t end up lonely’ feeling or the ‘I just want to be able to introduce my husband into a conversation’ feeling which roamed through my mind, but these times were usually quickly pushed to the back of mind as I pondered on more realistic time pressing matters.
A few years later…..
I suddenly hit my late 20s and things changed. I became a single mum. Ohhhh gosh even saying those 2 words still give me nightmares and make me sick to my stomach. It really does show you the power of words and labels.
I hope by now you can imagine the feeling of getting married was now very real. I was no longer willing to allow marriage to sit on the bench. I had to do something. Clearly I couldn’t advertise myself on highway billboards or social media platforms! Can you imagine, “Single Mum wanting marriage, slightly damaged with baggage but no broken!” Hilarious! Not!!!
Marriage was at the forefront of my mind. I was now stained, disfigured, a statistic and a disappointment. So you can imagine for me getting married was to cover up the shame and all those negative words not only others had put on me, but that I had put on myself.
As I continued to ponder on centrepieces I thought about how far I had come. I remembered how much I had prayed, how much I had cried, how much I had begged, how much I had daydreamed and how much I had emotionally carried. For me marriage was the only way out. So to now be on a journey of actually being whole and being married, I’m sure you can appreciate why I didn’t care about CENTREPIECES!
I’m not sure what exactly you’ve had to carry, how heavy your cross has been or even still is. I’m not even sure how you’re doing right now, but one thing I do know, is that when you look back in a few months, a few years etc., you will be better, bigger and wiser. You will have grown and your future spouse will be thankful for the trials you have passed through, because they have made you the desirable spouse to be you now are. Your trying times will be catalysts for your greatness.
Keep going, you’re doing great!