Surely this cannot be God
A 21st century Joseph? No way, not in 2014 and not in London.
I remember I had just left the petrol station and the tears just rolled out. I was done. Like totally done. I was fed up of the crying, I was fed up of the shame and the multitude of problems. Everyone said they understood, but they didn’t. I might as well have been carrying a sign across my forehead that said, ‘battered and broken do not approach’. I started wailing in the car as I turned left out of the petrol station. I wasn’t crying. I was wailing. Shouting! Hitting my hands on the steering wheel and screaming in hysterics. “Where are you Lord”, I shouted. “Why are you not here, you said you wouldn’t leave me”.
Lord why are you allowing me to go through all this alone!
Deep down I knew what I was saying was utter rubbish. The old saying goes, ‘when you know, you know’. You see I knew the truth, but it hadn’t quite set me free yet. Something had to change. Of course I wanted to get married, deep down what girl doesn’t. At 15 it doesn’t really matter, maybe even at 20. But at 25 + it’s definitely something thought about and something desired for many women. At 30, forget it! Marriage is permanent prayer point.
But I just couldn’t see how at 28, I was going to walk down that aisle, with serious baggage tied to my potential veil!
Too much had happened. My business was out there and deep down I was a wreck. Before the build up of tears gathered in my eyes and made the traffic lights seem like they were the same colour, I asked the Lord to take the marriage desire away from me. “Ok Lord, take this desire away from me. Lord if you want me to be single that’s fine, I can accept that, but remove this desire from me.”
I decided to start singing and praising God, we’ll to be honest my eyes were starting to burn and I was driving a tad too slow – and all I could think about was how good God had been before.
When my dad had been attacked and left for dead, God has been there.
When I was at uni, God had been there.
When I was trying to find work, God has been there.
Of all the 11 times I had moved house in 7 years, God has been there.
Throughout the pregnancy, God had been there.
Throughout the delivery, God had been there.
Carrying my shame and walking into church pregnant, God had been there.
As people said all sorts of things God had been there.
No money and food in the fridge, God had been there.
So why would God disappear now!
Now I’ve set the seen for you – fast forward 18 months.
I met him at a friends birthday party, but he wasn’t my type, whatever that meant, plus, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I had a 2 year old. I blew him off a few times when he asked me out and in any case my persona wasn’t very friendly and certainly wasn’t inviting. I guess to him, I might have been playing hard to get, little did he know I had some serious baggage on my back.
Surely God couldn’t have been blessing me already. The marriage sign flipped on in my head, it had only been 2 weeks! “Calm down girl!” How could I think that I could be on route to marriage. Had I learnt my lesson yet? It had only been three years. I was still trying to figure this whole mother thing out, I was still trying to figure out myself and decide whether or not I would accept the approval of others and their ‘un-asked for’ forgiveness. Plus, I really wasn’t up for dates and all those boy girl pleasantries – not just yet.
Now, we were getting quite close, calling each other every day and I was getting quite used to the idea of having a man friend. I had told him I had a daughter and he acted as expected (funny story for another day), but of course good old me made the whole situation worse by making a decision for him. I didn’t make him feel guilty for wanting to think about making a decision, I just made it for him.
“Don’t worry”, I said, “it’s not like I was expecting you to stay. It’s not like I was expecting you to father my child and for us to live like one big happy family!”
I stopped picking his calls, he stopped calling and soon he became a distance ‘what if’ memory.
Was that God or wasn’t it. Had God brought him my way of not. What was the point of a 4 minute friendship. Well not exactly 4 minutes, but you get the point. I had told myself that the road to finding someone let alone getting married was going to be difficult, a real challenge. I was expecting this great testimony, so of course there had to be a great test.
God simply told me to stop being so foolish. Why was I trying to play God. Why was I try to plan what my redemption and mercy story looked like. I guess I had allowed those aunties to get in my head. “You know you now have a daughter, so don’t worry about man.” “You know you’re a single mother now and it will be difficult to find a man who will accept it. “You know having a child out of wedlock is a great sin, so don’t focus on marriage.”
Why is it that when we mess up, we expect to have to work extra time cleaning up our mess and wallowing in self pity. Why can’t we forgive ourselves and move on? God does!
We feel that when we are down we must stay down so that we can really feel like we’re sorry. Thank God, God is not man and he doesn’t expect that from us.
I asked God to start giving me a Christ centred boldness. That the Holy Spirit would be my enabler to do all things and to receive all of Heavens blessings. I began to confess & declare that my daughter was my catalyst for my greatness. How could God give me a gift that would take me 10 steps back or that would end up being negative. If you don’t think you’re deserving enough off of His love and forgiveness then you don’t yet understand salvation and the Cross.
I had to believe that in-spite of everything, I was the apple of Gods eye and I deserved the best.
Fast forward another few months and I had a dream about ‘said guy’, so I started to pray for him and I asked God to make me ready to receive what He had for me and the same for him.
“Hey it’s been a while, hope you’re okay………. Remain blessed, Temidayo – hope you remember me?”
Well the rest as they say is history, well actually it’s His story. Our marriage is the reflection of Christ loving the church in her bartered state. Definitely Gods story reflected on earth. He picked me up, cleaned me and made me presentable to himself. He covered my shame, at times even taking things upon himself. He took on the funny looks, the stares and the questions. “Are you sure you want to marry her, have you really prayed and sought the Lord? Do you know she has a kid?”
Remember the story of Mary and Joseph, how Joseph could have left Mart after the pregnancy and even shamed her in the village square [assuming they had some type f village square LOL], but he covered her, loved her and was obedient. Said-guy showered my daughter and I with a God kind of love that we had longed for and he asked for nothing in return – well only for me to marry him 2 years later.
How many times have you used your sin, your low moment and your inaccurate thoughts about yourself to delay Gods plans and to doubt His ability?
Dear you, please please please be expectant of God and His work in you. God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above anything we can ever imagine.
If you’re in a low period, please don’t stay there. Get up, God is waiting for you to dust yourself off and to allow Him to clean you and move you on. With every low point there is learning. Learn what you need and move on.
Don’t ever limit yourself and NEVER limit God. Don’t be a blocker for what God wants to do.
Imagine if I never texted him back or acted so foolish that he thought this girl is not worth it……..
I wouldn’t be married to this amazing man – my Joseph!