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She was not part of the plan

I made sure to only open one eye first, to check out my surroundings, for fear of it all being a dream! Where was I? Clearly all of the last 12 months of planning couldn’t have been a dream. Maybe I should just close back my eye and sleep so that I could continue enjoying the dream.

Before I could think of my next move, the morning shouts occurred, but this time they were different. Usually there would be shouts of, “mummy, is it morning or still night”, “mummy my tummy hurts”, “mummy I’m hungry, mummy wake up we’ve got the school trip” etc.

However, today’s words were different, “mummy wake up, wake up it’s your wedding day, you’re marrying daddy!!”

Suddenly, my second eye opened without any hesitation.

I had pictured this day before a million times in my head. The moment the bride wakes up on her wedding morning. What will be going through her mind? What will she be doing? How will she feel? What will the bridesmaids be doing? Will everything be in place? Is the groom okay? The list goes on.

I was in that moment, what a privilege to experience this joyous moment almost every young lady wishes for (if you don’t, that’s fine). But I had wished for that experience, well not really overwished it, but you know, I had thought about it in the past, I guess like any other girl. But never did I imagine I might not get to have that experience. The last 5 years had been such a challenge and so the dream at times only seemed like a dream.

I had pictured a lot of things as I went from being a child stuck in ‘Barbie doll’ land to a teenager and a then a young adult; my dress, my groom, my cake, divorce!

What I hadn’t pictured was being woken up by my 5-year-old daughter on my wedding day. I am yet to meet a woman who dreams of being a mother before being a wife. Most of us dream of our careers, the tall handsome prince who sweeps us of our feet, peaceful marriage and home.

I had seldom thought about having kids, let alone having them before I met my Prince Charming.

Here I was 31 years old (I had dreamed of getting married at 25)
Here I was with a 5-year-old (I had not dreamed of getting pregnant at 25)

But….

Here I was, completely and utterly happy, joyful, ecstatic. Not just because I was getting married to an awesome man, but because my little angel had witnessed the whole thing, and she was as happy as I was. Dear I say maybe even happier lol

How I got here is a story for another day, but I do feel that God had orchestrated the whole ‘mess’ and of course with my full support (we humans are always ‘willing to fall short’.)

You see looking back to what my great grandmother had gone through leaving her husband, what my grandma had gone through marrying a man almost 30 years older than she was and eventually leaving him and what my mum had gone through with her husband (my father), it was very clear there was an interesting marital presence over my family. Not to mention my mum’s brothers and sisters. No one seemed to be able to stay married.

Fast forward my early adult life and coming into a relationship with Christ, I was determined not to have the same fate. Whatever they went through was going to stop with my mum.

But then I had my daughter and staying with her father was not an option, so it seemed I would have the same fate after all…..

BUT
Don’t you just love when God gives your life a ‘but’. I love ‘but’ moments when God grants you something extra, something undeserving, something new, when He turns a situation around, completely upside down, down side up.  When He reminds you that He is God. When God disrupts the plan in order to give you the upper hand…. ‘but’ moments of grace and mercy.

That’s what He did for me!

I was supposed to be heading down a path of destruction, well maybe not that dire, but marital bliss and a peaceful home certainly were at the time things I was not going to enjoy.

I almost settled for second best, I almost gave up, I almost listened to the voices.

But He said I should “Be still and know that He is good, that He’s control, that He’s still God Almighty”

As I did up the zip to her little bride’s dress, I couldn’t help but think that God had wanted my little angel to see first-hand what marriage well at least marriage prep was all about. He had wanted her to witness it all.

God wanted to break the chains of the strong women in our family (always first born women) not staying in their marital homes. God wanted to use mine and my daughter’s lives as an example, to break the chains and hereditary issues we had. Although the enemy thought he had won and my life was on a downward spiral, God had turned my mess into a message of grace and mercy. God had used my mountains as climbing frames. God had turned my tests into testimonies. My failure into successes.

He turned the messiness of an unwed mother, a humiliating pregnancy into a mother – daughter relationship that would end up being my catalyst for greatness.

Dear you, 
It may look bleak now. In fact, you may have got to ground zero, no human way out! It may not be going according to how you had planned it. You may feel like you’re going backwards or even in circles. Please trust that He can and always will (if you let Him) turn things around, 360 degrees. Better believe that He can do a full transformational makeover that you won’t even recognise your life! 
Don’t put your full trust in people or even in the process of ‘how it’s supposed to be’, but please trust in the One who owns the process. 
It only lasts a moment, but whoever told you a moment was a minute?

2 Comments

  • Mo

    I live for the days you update your letters.lol! Thank you for sharing snippets from a deep place of personal experiences. There is something that makes personal testimonies of grace and redemption far more impacting than just good ol’ motivational speech. May the good Lord continue to honor you and _ye e si_!

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